The Clouds Break!! Hallelujah!

February 25, 2015

I have been so busy the past few weeks that it has escaped me completely to write down my thoughts. Jake has been so good lately too. I think his phase has passed, he has been so sweet lately. Being good and loving everyone and everything. He has been eating a lot more too. I wonder if it is possible for growth spurts to be the reason his demeanor has changed seeing as he grew a few inches in the last two months. He has been doing all his school work the last few days, and he said that Kahn, the boy who he has been getting in trouble with, was bothering him on the bus and he ignored him completely because he didn’t want to get into trouble. We are so proud of him. We went out to dinner for Nana’s birthday last night and he got cake and ice cream when we got home. He’s had treats all week and I am just so glad that we aren’t having any more bad behavior from him!

As far as myself going to school, I had a tour of the school on Monday and I love it! I know beauty school is considered cliché but I am so interested in doing hair and makeup, plus the school I am going to teaches nails too. As a woman who loves getting her nails done that really excites me.

At first, I was nervous, trying to catalog in my head everything I had to get done. But it took me literally a day to finish. I had to file an application for Fafsa and it took me only a little over an hour, I am waiting to hear results. If all goes well and they agree to give me grants for my bills I will be there full time. No more answering phones (well, the occasional one at the front desk), no more being bored, and trying my hardest to find something to do all day. I will be on my feet and able to lose weight again like I wanted to before. I am just really excited now, if all goes well I will be starting on April 6th. This Momma will officially be a college student! And I am determined to finish. I am the second in my immediate family to go to college but I will be the first to graduate! I will not give up and I will see it through to the end!

Daddy has my back 100% too and I really appreciate that! There aren’t many men who will stand by your side no matter what you do. None I have dated anyway.  He is worried about one thing. If they don’t agree to give me grants to pay bills then I can’t quit my job and go to school. I will be stuck here. I am a little worried about that too so I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, what if they don’t help me? I don’t want to be stuck doing something I don’t like forever. It is so hard to find a job around here unless you have some kind of college degree.

But, I am holding out hope. I don’t want to think about the negative too much. I am the type of person who worries way too much about the outcome of things. I worry so much it makes me sick sometimes. It runs in my family. But I have some work to do so I will probably write some more later. I am thinking about doing something a little differently that what I have been here. Nothing too dramatic of a change, just something different.

Thanks for reading! XO

The Clouds Break!! Hallelujah!

Fathers, Grandfathers, Mothers, & Grandmothers.

December 11, 2014

My head has been reeling since Tuesday night. I cannot fathom any woman who acts the way she does. I know I talk a lot about her but this is a big part of Jake’s life and I can’t just let it go. It saddens me, and infuriates me all at the same time. I have been emotional for the last two weeks, so this is really making it worse.

How can a woman lie to her child like that? Just to get him to stop crying! I can see all the little white lies we tell, but this is not something she should be lying about! This little boy has been through so much in the last two months! We have tried to make it the best for him that we could and she just walks back into his life and ruins it! I am sorry if I am ranting but this tears me up!

On another note, Jake knows my mom as Grandma. That is what he asks me, on multiple occasions he has asked me about my dad. I just don’t know what to tell him. I haven’t heard from my dad since last Spring. I want Jake to know his Grandpa. I tried to personal message him on social media last night and he didn’t answer me. I have a kid of my own now and I just thought that maybe it would be different. This plays into my being emotional because I cried for half an hour over this last night. I talked to my sister about it and she tried to make me feel better, which usually works, and I just couldn’t.

I have had a hard relationship with my dad when I was about 13 is when it all started. My fiancé hasn’t had the best relationship with his either but Jake knows him. It makes me really sad that now I am an adult and I thought my father and I had gotten over everything that happened in the past, that I still feel, I don’t know what the right word is for it. Distant, I guess? I look at my friends and see them with their fathers and their kids and I just wish that it didn’t have to be so hard for me.

I hope that when Jake is older he appreciates the fact that his daddy has worked so hard for him to make sure he had everything he needed.  I hope their relationship doesn’t falter like ours have with our fathers. They need to stick together, they need each other. And I only hope that if we do have more children one day that we can show them what love really is. I want our children, Jake included, to have the kind of time that I never got with my dad.

I had another reason for being emotional last night, it wasn’t just my father. It was my fiance’s mother. I worked that late shift and when I came home Jake was ready for bed. I gave him his vitamins and told him to go get into bed and I would be there to tuck him in. I went to give him hugs and kisses and he started whining that he wanted a song. I told him I would sing to him tomorrow that mommy just got home and I wanted to eat and shower and I was exhausted. As soon as I said this my fiance’s mother pipes up and says “Jake hush that’s enough”

I was floored, do I look like I need your help putting my son to bed? This has been an ongoing thing since he got here. I am very tired of it. Every time I turn around she is contradicting everything I say and telling him what to do. My fiancé refuses to have a conversation with her about it. His sister has talked to her a few times and it worked for about 3 weeks and now she is back to it again, I am fed up. She needs to know that her place is Nana not Mama. I have been going over and over conversations with her in my head and I just cant. I am so frustrated that I might blow up at her one day.

My fiancé doesn’t see the problem, sometimes she will do it when he is standing right there and he wont say a word. I try I really do and I love my son and my fiancé but this needs to stop! I refuse to walk away and abandon that little boy like his real mother did! I feel like I should talk to her about it tonight just not put this conversation off any longer. I just don’t know what to say to her. My fiance’s brother and sister don’t have this problem she doesn’t say much to their kids. His sister put her foot down and told her how it was. But that is her daughter, that is a different relationship.

I need to get back to work, I am done early today! Yay! I get Jake right off the bus today, he was so happy when I told him! Anyway, any insight would be greatly appreciated on what to say to her. Thanks for reading!

Fathers, Grandfathers, Mothers, & Grandmothers.

How Our Little Family Came To Be.

December 9th, 2014

So, this is my first entry and I just wanted to let you know a little bit about me. I am 23 going on 24, I live with my fiancé, his mother, his 5 year old son, and our kitty Tiger. Jake, our son, is a new addition to our family. It is a long story of how he came to be in our lives, and kind of sad.

His biological mom is, well lets say, a drug addict and that is the nicest term I can put to it. My fiancé didn’t find out that he was his father until around December of last year. He knew about him but didn’t know that he was his father. I know a lot of people would probably say why didn’t he try harder? Why didn’t he push to get the test when he was born? Fact is, it doesn’t matter, what’s done is done and we can’t change the past. I wish we could for our son’s sake, but we can’t.

We come to find out that she is leaving him with people so she can go and get high and do whatever else. I don’t want to try to explain all of the people she has left him with right now, there are quite a few. Needless to say, we needed to help him.

Sadly, last year we had no resources. We were homeless ourselves around this time last year. We were living in a motel with nowhere to go, about to move to West Virginia just for somewhere to live. That is another story. We were on the phone all the time with Jake’s aunt trying to find out any information we could on this little boy that we knew nothing about. We were trying to find anyone to help us get him away from her but there was no one.

I just want to say right now that WV is a state that has so many people on drugs, you could turn and find someone. It is sad really, and the police really don’t care. People have literally killed over drugs or money for them and gotten away with it. That might give you a little idea of what we had to go through to get him with us.

Back to trying to get him. We found out that she was in a lot of trouble with the law. She got picked up one day but there was nothing we could do because she was out within a three hour period and CPS would not get involved even though he was in a house with a few more drug addicts. Then a few weeks later we find out he got bit by her boyfriends dog, in the face, and she never took him to the hospital. We called CPS and they went and took him and we were about to be in the process of getting him but when they took him in front of a judge he said Jake could go home with his mom. My son, still has scars on his face from that dog. Needless to say we were heartbroken.

Then we got a chance to meet him. We took off work and took a trip to WV. By this time we had finally gotten our own apartment and full time jobs so this was the time to help this little boy. We went down there with my fiancé’s brother, and his twin girls. We met Jake for the first time and fell in love with him. He stayed almost a week with us and for three days we didn’t hear a word from his mom. No checking up on him, nada. When she finally did call and wanted him back, I didn’t want to give him up. We had, had so much fun with my fiancé’s family. Taking Jake and the girls to the fair, and swimming.

When we went to take him back, he screamed and put up a fight, insisting that mommy’s boyfriend was mean to him. When we got there, she claimed that she had her own house with a trampoline and a pool, his own room. Which was not true, she was living with her boyfriend in a camper, while Jake slept on someone else’s floor. My fiancé asked to take him home with us, and she refused. We even offered to put him in school. Her exact words were, “not right now.” I honestly feel like she used Jake for the child support to support her own habit rather than Jake. I sobbed on the way back to my fiancé’s Granny’s house and on the way back to Minnesota. My heart already was full of love for this little man. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Around October, we got a call saying his mom got into even more trouble and that she was in jail, and she would be there for a while. So my fiancé planned a trip. The last time we went his mom came back with us so she decided to go with him. They were gone for a week, that was the worst week of my entire life. I had friends stay with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I am sad. Anyway when they got into town they had to go get Jake from school the very next morning. They didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in case her friends tried to hide him. After an unbearable week he finally came home with our son.

I couldn’t be happier that he is safe with us.

We did just jump in head first with him. We had no idea what we were doing. It has gotten better, and we have gotten the hang of teaching him and we have been learning with him along the way. Most of my time is devoted to him. So this blog is all about how we are doing and how it feels to try to raise someone else’s child but still be their mom as much as possible.

I love my son with all my heart and I want to raise him with all the love I can give.

How Our Little Family Came To Be.