Happy Birthday Jake!!!!

March 25, 2015

So I haven’t done an entry in a while, again.

I have big news! I am completely enrolled and ready to start school on April 6th! I am getting more excited as time gets closer. I put in my notice yesterday which is a little short but I am able to be there fully for Jake on his birthday. We have the party on Saturday which is a party in the park complete with the cutest cake I have ever seen! Then, on Sunday we are going to watch Jake’s first ever Wrestlemania!! In case anyone doesn’t know what that is, it is the biggest wrestling event of the year, it is WWE’s equivalent to the Super Bowl. I just hope he finishes out the week and Saturday with no problem and he can actually watch it.

He has been doing a lot better lately. He has had a few slip ups. A few weeks ago he was allowed to go outside and play at daycare and he was told to stay out of the mud quite a few times. He and another boy were caught rolling around in a huge mud puddle like pigs! I could not believe he did that, and to top that one off he didn’t go inside and use the bathroom so he peed is pants twice. That led to him being grounded from outside for a while. Well, he had a really good day so we decided to give him outside back, he was let out at school since they have the rubber chips on the playground, I hate those things by the way, and he was fine but when he got to daycare I was called and informed that I forgot his snow pants. Being that it was my fault I got on the phone and tried to talk to Jake and tell him that he could go out the next day and I promised I would put his pants in his backpack when we got home. At the time we made a deal with him that if he got 10 greens in a row and didn’t throw any crying fits we would buy him a fish, so he promised me he would be ok and that he wanted his fish and as soon as I got off the phone he started hyperventilating. For the next hour I spent getting on and off the phone with him and the daycare woman trying to calm him down. The very last time she called me to inform me that he had started bashing his head off the walls. When I got there he had an ice pack on his forehead, there were scratches all on one side.

Dad was so mad he told him he was not getting a fish at all. But, I think he learned his lesson with that one. We have been telling him that crying and throwing fits will not get him his way and he hasn’t believed us up until this point. I am very proud of how far he has come in the last few months he has done a complete 180 degrees from where he was. He still tries to get away with some things but what kid doesn’t?

But, I can’t wait to start school! I am so excited!! And Jake’s party is going to be awesome! Everyone we love will be there! Wish us luck that the weather holds out for us!!!

Thanks for reading!! XOXO

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Happy Birthday Jake!!!!

Jake and School! :)

March 5, 2015

Just another day today, I called my school’s Finance Department today and my counseling and MPN are still being processed. The woman I talked to said that it would be tomorrow that it would be ready. I hate waiting. I have been working on this stuff for about 3 weeks now and I just want to know already.

I am set to start on April 6th and I want to have my 2 weeks in by March 25th at the latest.

I have a hard time keeping my patience when it comes to things like this. It is one of my worst qualities I used to be a lot worse but, as I got older I have realized that most people are just trying to do their job as well as they can. That’s all I can ask for.

Meanwhile, I learned how to arm knit. It is so fun and only takes about ½ an hour so I may have to start crocheting other things to pass the time. I won’t have as much free time as I do now but at least I will be free weekends and every other Friday. Yay!!

I am getting more excited as time goes on, I just don’t want to feel as disappointed as I am every month when my period comes and I know I am not pregnant. I don’t want to be let down that way, it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Another thing that the woman from my school told me today is that there is a really good chance that I will get what I am hoping for! That would be extra money in my grant checks to pay my bills, so we are crossing our fingers.

As far as Jake goes, he is still doing very well! Tuesday was the only exception to that. He has a guest teacher, they have a time when they all sit on a rug and listen to the teacher tell a story or work with them on their sight words, Jake decided he didn’t want to listen and lay down on the rug. The teacher told him to get up and he said no, she told him again and he got mad and ran away to hide in his cubby (locker). She gave him a color turn because he refused and then ran away. When I asked why he got the color turn he lied. So that resulted in him being in a timeout for the rest of the night.

Some people have told me that making him stand in the corner is mean and the government considers it child abuse. Honestly, I have never heard that and my fiancé and I both agree that we would rather he stood in the corner for 3 hours instead of being spanked. It is a lot less painful. I don’t care what anyone thinks of our parenting, pertaining to my previous posts about my fiancé’s family in case you are wondering what I am talking about. All it does is create drama that I am not interested in.

This is the way I see it. If someone has a valid point to make then bring it to me calmly and as an adult. If you come at me with attitude like you are accusing I will cast you away, I promise you that!

Back on point, Jake has been doing a lot better the past two weeks. He got very close to getting 5 greens in a row last week and blowing it because he decided he didn’t want to listen in music class.

He also recently got a WWE beanie from me and his dad for being so good, it has been below zero for the past few days and he lost it. As well as his Superman gloves and one of the camouflage ones his Auntie gave him. He hasn’t gotten to play outside all week because of it. But, I believe he will find all of them he does this a lot!

But, I need to get back to work and finish up.

Thanks for reading! XO

Jake and School! :)

More Stuff About Me.

March 4, 2015

Today, I am going to post something a little different. I recently did a little quiz blog and I wanted to do something like that but with only a few questions. Deeper questions than just the trivial ‘what did you have for lunch today?’ I wanted to find out more about myself as well as others. So I challenge anyone reading to put some serious thought into these and answer honestly. Here goes.

1. What is the place you felt the happiest or safest?

This one was a really tough one to answer. When I was in high school I was bullied badly because I was different. That resulted in depression, then my cousin passed away and it got worse. So the safest place for me was locked in my room, it was also the happiest. There I could escape everything, I could write, draw, or read in peace. I submersed myself in wrestling on Monday nights. I locked my door and just let my mind completely drown in my own thoughts of how my life would be when I got older. Now that I am older the safest and happiest place to me is in my fiance’s arms. Just being with him I know that nothing could ever hurt me. Yes, I get depressed sometimes but I know that it will always get better for us.

2.This one is a little more fun. What is the most antiqued item you own?

I didn’t have to think about this one long. One year for Christmas I got this old jewelry box, it played music and upon inspecting it I found very old jewelry that had fallen into the wooden lining. I already knew that the box was old but I found a ring that looked so withered that it could have been from the early 1900’s who knows. I kept it and still have it as well. Kind of surprising that I’ve had it this long.

3. What is one food that reminds you of your youth or childhood?

My Grandmother has this way of making chicken legs that is to die for. We used to call them Chicken-Winger Flinger-Dingers. (Don’t laugh) Every time my Grandma made them they were devoured. They were messy and so good. Every time I remember them that is what takes me back to when I was young. It just makes me remember a time when I was innocent and didn’t have a care in the world. Its kind of funny because I have tried to block out most of my childhood, there was a lot of painful events that I would like to forget. But, moving on!

4. What did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

This is another that will probably get a laugh. I always thought that I would be a WWE Diva. A female wrestler. It’s the only thing I ever thought about, like I said before it consumed me. Wrestling was my everything, it was my obsession, my passion, and my sanctuary. I couldn’t live without it. I religiously had to be sitting in front of the television at 8:00 every Monday night without fail. If there was a Pay-Per-View on the night before and anyone else had seen it they were not allowed to tell me anything, I always wanted to find out myself. I wore wrestling t-shirts and dressed like Jeff Hardy for a long time. I still love wrestling to this day. I don’t think I will ever outgrow it. John Cena is still my favorite. I just had to add that.

5. What is your childhood fear?

When I was a kid I was so scared of death. I would lie awake at night and freak myself out by thinking about what it would be like to die. I still freak myself out, I can’t help it. There was a time when I welcomed it, I didn’t care whether I lived or died. But now that time has passed and I am terrified again, thinking about nothingness. The only thing that makes me feel better is that there is a Heaven and it won’t be darkness I will be with my family forever in Heaven. I hate the feeling of fear. It grips my heart like a vice and makes it hard to breathe. I almost can’t move as I am writing this just thinking about it. It is really hard for me to talk about my fear out in the open because it makes me think about it and then it won’t go away. It’s like planting a seed it just keeps growing and growing. So I have to stop myself right here.

I hope you enjoyed reading more about me. I think everyone should at least once, dig down deep and talk about things like this. Once it’s out of the way it keeps the mind clear. I actually feel a lot better now that it’s not all trapped in my head! You should try it!

Thanks for reading! XO

More Stuff About Me.

Depression.

February 26, 2015

So it is now 1 pm and I still have yet to get a break, I have been here since 7:30 this morning. This is why I don’t want to be here anymore. The only thing I like about this place is the money. But, you cannot pay me enough money in the world to sit here and not be able to use the bathroom when I please like everyone else in this building. I am the only one who has to have someone cover for them. Which is laughable because half the people here have to wait at the phone for calls but, mine are the only ones that matter, apparently. This just doesn’t work for me, sitting here I mean, I can’t do it anymore. Even if I don’t get accepted to school I think it is time to find another job. I just don’t know how I would do that when I work 7:30 to 4 almost every day. I don’t have time to call people or have interviews. My work life blows right now. Not going to lie.

Maybe I sound like I am complaining and I am sorry for that. Please, feel free to stop reading this if you think I am just a lazy complainer! It won’t hurt my feelings one bit! I know that sounds bitchy, just the sort of mood I am in right now.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. And it won’t be the last. I work next weekend, which I am dreading. Saturdays are the worst to work, I feel for people who work every weekend, I used to be one of those people. But this is all day I just sit here and do nothing. At least during the week there is a little work for me to do. On Saturdays there is absolutely nothing at all. I haven’t had a smoke break either. Most of the time I am ok but today I just have this bitchy tick that I can’t get rid of. I want to go home and crawl in my bed and sleep for 12 hours.

Honestly, I feel my depression creeping ever further on me. I can’t shake it and I can’t stop it. It feels like vines of agony and hate encasing my heart and there is nothing I can do about it besides struggle with a never ending battle. It goes away when I leave this place and comes back daily, or whenever I think about sitting here all day. I should get help, I know. Right now, leaving this place and going back to school feels like the only thing that would help…..

Depression.

The Clouds Break!! Hallelujah!

February 25, 2015

I have been so busy the past few weeks that it has escaped me completely to write down my thoughts. Jake has been so good lately too. I think his phase has passed, he has been so sweet lately. Being good and loving everyone and everything. He has been eating a lot more too. I wonder if it is possible for growth spurts to be the reason his demeanor has changed seeing as he grew a few inches in the last two months. He has been doing all his school work the last few days, and he said that Kahn, the boy who he has been getting in trouble with, was bothering him on the bus and he ignored him completely because he didn’t want to get into trouble. We are so proud of him. We went out to dinner for Nana’s birthday last night and he got cake and ice cream when we got home. He’s had treats all week and I am just so glad that we aren’t having any more bad behavior from him!

As far as myself going to school, I had a tour of the school on Monday and I love it! I know beauty school is considered cliché but I am so interested in doing hair and makeup, plus the school I am going to teaches nails too. As a woman who loves getting her nails done that really excites me.

At first, I was nervous, trying to catalog in my head everything I had to get done. But it took me literally a day to finish. I had to file an application for Fafsa and it took me only a little over an hour, I am waiting to hear results. If all goes well and they agree to give me grants for my bills I will be there full time. No more answering phones (well, the occasional one at the front desk), no more being bored, and trying my hardest to find something to do all day. I will be on my feet and able to lose weight again like I wanted to before. I am just really excited now, if all goes well I will be starting on April 6th. This Momma will officially be a college student! And I am determined to finish. I am the second in my immediate family to go to college but I will be the first to graduate! I will not give up and I will see it through to the end!

Daddy has my back 100% too and I really appreciate that! There aren’t many men who will stand by your side no matter what you do. None I have dated anyway.  He is worried about one thing. If they don’t agree to give me grants to pay bills then I can’t quit my job and go to school. I will be stuck here. I am a little worried about that too so I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, what if they don’t help me? I don’t want to be stuck doing something I don’t like forever. It is so hard to find a job around here unless you have some kind of college degree.

But, I am holding out hope. I don’t want to think about the negative too much. I am the type of person who worries way too much about the outcome of things. I worry so much it makes me sick sometimes. It runs in my family. But I have some work to do so I will probably write some more later. I am thinking about doing something a little differently that what I have been here. Nothing too dramatic of a change, just something different.

Thanks for reading! XO

The Clouds Break!! Hallelujah!

February 9, 2015

This post will be mostly un-Jake related but it is something that has been bothering me since last night and I have to get it out.

I have written about the problems we have been having with my fiance’s brother and mother and now his sister has started. Not about Jake though, about a joke my fiancé played on her, which I am going on record right now saying I had no part in, AT ALL.

My fiancé and I got new phones, and numbers yesterday and my fiancé decided to play a joke on his sister. Her ex-husband was an abuser and he has tried to take her kids from her for a long time. They went to court and she was told to come back to WV for a court date and she didn’t so her lawyer told her that she just wouldn’t be allowed to ever come back.

My fiancé texted her with his new number and decided to mess with her and pretend to be her ex. I didn’t know he was doing it until she called her mom, screaming. She had a panic attack over it which is totally understandable and she cussed out my fiancé which I don’t blame her at all she has every right to be mad at him. But that is the thing she is mad and me and his mother too because she has herself convinced that we let him do it! If I would have known that is what he was going to do I would have talked him out of it and she should know that and I told her that I had no part and that I was sorry for him taking it that far. She deleted us of social media as well as her boyfriend.

I am so mad that she would take it that far. I have never done anything mean to her to make her think that I would let anyone do anything to hurt her. As soon as I found out I cussed him too! For the rest of the night. He even tried to apologize to her and she wasn’t having it. She ignored us all. So once again she made me feel like shit for something I didn’t do.  I thought we were finally closer than that, where that would never happen.

My fiancé wants to move more than ever now. He feels like since we got here it has been nothing but drama. I don’t want to move at all, I don’t want to leave my friends or my sister. I really hope she comes to her senses soon, we all apologized to her and my fiancé did twice.

I agree with her on the part that it was really mean, it was the worst thing anyone could do to someone. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. We have been through so much the last year, more than most people do in a lifetime and I just don’t need any more drama in our lives. We need to be free. I told my fiancé last night that with everything that has been happening in the past couple months , the way I have been treated by his family, I am slipping slowly back into my depression and I don’t want that. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to fight with anyone I just want to raise Jake and have fun and be happy.

I don’t know if that will ever happen. I go to a very dark place when I am depressed. A place that I cant come back from easily and Jake needs me more than ever. I am ready to sever all ties from anyone who wants to stand in the way of our happiness.

My fiancé and I had a discussion the other night on the way home from work about our wedding and I told him that I don’t want a big wedding anymore. I just want to go to the court house and get married in a sundress and cowboy boots and then have a party at someone’s house or something I don’t care anymore I just want to be married to him. I told him that I want to do it before he buys a television or any more games. I want to be with him forever.

On a lighter note, I changed my hair! I am so happy with it. I love it! Was a birthday present from my mother-in-law! She got hers done as well. I will attach a picture of it along with this post.

I had better get back to work. Thanks for reading! XO

20150209_081332 My new hair! Red ombre 🙂

P.S. I just talked to Kristy. She is actually talking to me I am so glad. I think she just needed time to calm down. She is still mad at my fiancé but that is understandable. He needs to go in person and apologize too.

Jake, Work, and School.

February 3, 2015

So yesterday was a rough day for all of us. I was done with work at 12:30 and I went to get Jake early. When I got there he was still in the music room, although the rest of the class was back in the classroom, he was sitting inside a small, black entertainment center. When I walked in, he didn’t see me at first, I made him clean up all the chairs he had knocked over and the little metal pieces from the stand that he was throwing. He didn’t say a word to me and he didn’t argue he went and did what I told him. I was told that he has refused to leave the room at all he hid in the stand and would not come out.

We went to his classroom and he got ready as I talked to his teacher. She told me that he refused to do any of his work. He hadn’t finished one page. He continued to knock over books in his quiet corner and throw chairs. He didn’t get recess because he wouldn’t listen, he did not eat lunch. He sat at the table and wouldn’t touch his food. I don’t know what got into him yesterday, the bad behavior continued when he and I got home. I had him do 3 of the 6 things he had for homework and we went to pick up Dad from work.

I continued to try to get him to talk to me all day and he just kept saying that he was mad and sad. His dad thinks that he wants to go home. The last time he talked to his mom, she lied to him and told him that she was coming to get him soon and take him home. We think that he took this to heart, even when he was gently told that, that wasn’t the case. Maybe we didn’t explain it to him well enough? Maybe he is angry with us that he is with us altogether. Dad and I both don’t want him to go back. Countless family members don’t want that as well.

As far as the daycare goes, Dad walked in with is this morning and the daycare woman asked what he was doing there. Dad just came right out and said that the pants belonged to him and he wanted them back. She was surprised but gave them back. I just hope that she isn’t mean to Jake because of it.

I am still researching going to school as soon as I can. I heard that financial aid will not only pay my tuition but will pay half my bills as well. There is also a very good school not too far from me. I hadn’t considered it but I talked to a good friend of my sister-in-laws and she had nothing but good things to say about it.

One of the reasons I want to go to school is so that I can take Jake to school myself and pick him up too. We don’t have to deal with the middle man and I can still get a small part time job in the meantime if I want to. My fiancé thinks it is a good idea too and is behind me 100%! I want to make our lives better than what they are now and I am not happy with the job I am at. They are always changing the schedule on me trying to make me work until 7:00 which isn’t even possible for me seeing as I have told them 100 times that I have to get my fiancé from work and Jake from Daycare. That and I am full time. I work 40 hours a week. Period. I cannot keep changing my schedule around and trying to figure out the rest of our lives. I am just done with the bullshit. Speaking of that, I better get back to work!

I’ll keep y’all posted! XO

Jake, Work, and School.