December 15, 2014
A little update that I forgot to add in all the “drama”. I finally talked to my dad, I thought that he had finally come to and opened his eyes and saw what was going on in my life but, my mom told him what was going on. Keep in mind they aren’t even supposed to be talking in the first place. But I asked her not to say anything to him. Particularly for the fact that if he can’t see it on his own then that is kind of shitty. Not going to lie, I was happy at first and then I noticed a lack of interest. I wondered why, he text me first, shouldn’t he be doing the asking and listening?
Mostly, what I got out of him was a few short texts and that is it. I am not going to let this go though, everyone but me and my sister has abandoned him it seems like. He lives with a man who is an idiot. He has four children that he can barely care for, a girlfriend who is a psycho, and a drinking problem. My dad has been down that road many, many times, more than I can count and with worse things. I am far from stupid I know exactly what is going on.
It is the same thing that has been going on for most of his adult life. I keep putting energy into hoping he is going to get better, hoping and praying and it never happens. Why do I do this to myself? Is he my dad? Certainly. Does he deserve my efforts if he isn’t going to make one himself? I just don’t know.
I do this to myself all the time with him. I make myself believe that if I try hard enough he will want to get better and he will be my dad again. But it never happens, he never gets better. He has been battling this for a long time. I wish he would get better and just stay that way. For his children’s sake and his grandchildren, we all have missed out on so much because of his addiction. My siblings and I don’t talk about my dad’s problem, I don’t know if they feel the same way I do. We try to keep him out of our conversations for the simple fact that in the past it has not been a good topic.
My mother has also been the source of conflict occasionally she has also had a battle with an addiction. Many moves my parents have made are moves that I hope never to repeat. I really plan to learn from both my parent’s mistakes and never make them. So far so good!
My sister and I have fought a few times over our father and mother but in a way I think it helped us because today my sister is one of my main support systems and I don’t know what I would do without her. I would be flat on my ass right now, no joke. But after talking to her I am always held up, she gives the best advice. We may not have the best things from our father but the best thing we got was each other! That has to count for something, right? I love you, sis!
My brothers and I are not the closest and I don’t know how close they are to my sister but they seem indifferent. I know men don’t like talking about their feelings but isn’t that part of being a family? Is talking things out and being able to communicate no matter what? I wish they would tell me what they feel and on the other hand I don’t. Just because I know that if my opinion is one they don’t like it will cause a fight. The men in our family are very, I don’t know the right word, emotional, passionate, short tempered? Any of the above I believe. I know we aren’t going to be a cookie cutter, sugar coated family but if we could at least talk about the problems we have it would make everyone’s lives a lot better. But I don’t know if that is ever going to happen. Like I said, my sister and I are the only ones on the same page, everyone else seems to live in a fantasy land.
On a lighter note, I am so excited for Christmas! I am hoping with all my heart that the whole family can be together, since my sister lives in the cities and my fiance’s brother and sister do not get along at all. Also I cannot wait to see my son’s face when he opens his Roman Reigns action figure! We are huge WWE fans in our house, particularly John Cena and Roman Reigns fans! But I should get back to work. Thanks for reading! Feedback is encouraged!