Terror, Confusion, and Panic

December 12, 2014

I am still very emotional today. I don’t know what my problem is. I don’t know if it is the weather or what but I have been crying and getting mad at everything, My fiancé and I were watching Revenge last night on Hulu after we put Jake to bed and I was bawling my eyes out. I am baffled at this one.

Maybe I just need some alone time, is that selfish of me? Just to have some time to myself? I have to do a little Christmas shopping after work today but I don’t know if it will be long enough. Jake is still acting out, all he says are things about his mom. Out of the blue, he will just bring her up. He was in slight trouble yesterday and when I asked why he did it he said because he missed his mom. Which, he doesn’t even call her mom he calls her by her name. I find that a little odd, but whatever.

I am still at my wits end with Nana. Last night she made him Spaghetti and meatballs the spaghetti-o’s kind but she only gave him half the can. On any given day he can eat ten times more than that. He scarfed down what she gave him and I put the rest in his bowl and told him to eat it. He started to lie and say his tummy was hurting, which I knew was a lie because he had just been jumping around 5 minutes before. I told him to go to the bathroom, sometimes he won’t go for 3 days, so he got up and I took him to the bathroom. As I was shutting the door to let him go, I heard Nana ask my fiancé “why is she trying to make him eat that? I gave him what he wanted” I was so pissed I lost my appetite.

I had to walk away before I freaked out, I seriously contemplated putting on my boots and just leaving for a while. But, Jake needed me. I, again, went in to talk to Chris about it and he doesn’t even care. He made sound like my fault. Well that is how I feel anyway, it could be emotions running wild. I don’t want to make excuses for him but I don’t want to condemn him either. I am just tired of coming in second to everyone else. I want to be here for Jake, he needs me, but I also can’t keep being stressed out and forgotten just because she has more experience with raising children.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just feel like walking away and not coming back but I just can’t do that. I love my fiancé and I love Jake and I don’t want that at all. I know this is bad, I am freaking out. I know I can’t let Jake know that, I try so hard not to show this emotion to him. Is this really what being a mom feels like? Or is it just that I have been thrown in mid-stride and people keep making it harder than it has to be? I need help I feel like I am doing this by myself sometimes. Like I don’t have any real help, like he expects me to handle everything , including his mom. Aren’t we supposed to be a team? Aren’t we supposed to be doing this together, experiencing everything good and bad, together? I feel alone in a sea of uncertainty and confusion.

I don’t want just a friend, I want a partner, a husband, a father for Jake. I don’t want to do this on my own.

I really am freaking out, I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been thinking about this way too much and I need to stop. I can’t do this. Does anyone else feel this way? Tell me I am not alone.

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Terror, Confusion, and Panic

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